


A Good Traveller Has No Fixed Plans

by Ononymous



Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Gen, Post-Undertale Pacifist Route
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-06
Updated: 2017-12-06
Packaged: 2019-02-11 00:56:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,528
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12923874
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ononymous/pseuds/Ononymous
Summary: The Royal Guard may be disbanded, but that doesn't mean Papyrus can't assist the King in other ways. After all, there was never much opportunity for a Royal Road Trip in the Underground.Asgore better buckle up. Safety first, after all.





	A Good Traveller Has No Fixed Plans

Papyrus sat at his desk, drumming his bony fingers and frowning intently at the complex problem that he was so close to finishing.

"I THINK... I THINK BY COLOUR IS THE BETTER ARRANGEMENT!" With a few deft motions, the action figures were lined up. "NYEH HEH! MUCH MORE PLEASING TO THE EYE. AND SANS SERIOUSLY THOUGHT ORDER OF ACQUISITION HAS ANY AESTHETIC MERIT. HE JUST DIDN'T WANT TO PUT ANY THOUGHT INTO IT!"

With one obstacle overcome, he turned his attention to his book case. The argument could be made to sort it by author name, but there was a pragmatic argument that the books he would read at bedtime would be better positioned at one end of a shelf. It was quite the conundrum. But before he could construct an argument one way or another, the doorbell rang.

"SANS! OH, HE'S WITH ALPHYS. COMING!"

Straightening his jacket, he marched down the stairs, fed Sans' pet rock AGAIN – that lazybones was being outright cruel to it – and opened the door.

"GREETINGS, HOW MAY I-" he gasped as he saw who was at the door, and collapsed into a kneeling position, "-YOUR MAJESTY!"

"Howdy, Papyrus! No need for that, you can get up."

"COME IN, TAKE A SEAT!" Asgore dipped his head to oblige the invitation, and filled the sofa with a good natured air. "DO YOU NEED A DRINK? I COULD PUT ON COFFEE."

"Golly that's thoughtful of you, but no thanks. Coffee makes me a little jittery. I just wanted to ask a favour of you."

Santa Claus had come early to Papyrus. Literally. "ANYTHING, SIRE!"

"Well," he tapped his claws together, "you may recall there's a cultural conference in Russems in a couple of days, and I've been invited. I couldn't justify flying there when it's not that far, as I don't fit on normal planes, so I planned to drive. Unfortunately my car broke down, and the replacement car is ill-suited for my, well," he tapped his horns, "features. I'd get a crick in my neck. So I thought, erm, would it be alright if I were to borrow your car?"

Asgore wasn't sure if he liked that look on Papyrus' face. It was too enthusiastic. "I CAN DO EVEN BETTER! I SHALL BE YOUR CHAUFFEUR TO RUSSEMS! DO NOT WORRY, I SHALL ENSURE YOU MAKE IT IN COMFORT AND SAFETY!"

"Oh, I couldn't possibly ask you to do that. It would take up three days driving there, attending the conference and then heading back, and if you're bored-."

"BUT I HAVE NOT EVEN BEGUN TO PAY YOU BACK FOR THAT DELIGHTFUL HEDGE! HOW COULD I ACCEPT SUCH A ROYAL GIFT WITHOUT EARNING IT? AND TO FULFIL THIS DUTY, I SHALL KEEP MYSELF ENTERTAINED!"

"Well..."

He wasn't listening. It was settled in his head. Asgore knew that look, and didn't have the heart to refuse. He made a note to ask Sans if there was anything special Papyrus wanted for Christmas.

* * *

As it was for a few days, Asgore took care not to over pack. A small bag contained his cloak and crown, a spare tunic, ID, paperwork and some tea. He dressed casually otherwise, as this wouldn't carry the weight of some of the diplomatic summits he'd attended, and made sure to bring a universal seat belt extension, useful when he wasn't in his own car. Other than that he didn't want to abuse Papyrus' generous offer by filling his car with useless junk. When the cherry-red car pulled up to his house in the pre-dawn light, he soon discovered he wouldn't be able to abuse it.

"ALL SET, YOUR MAJESTY!"

"Can you open the trunk? The knob's a bit fiddly for me."

"OF COURSE!" He leapt out of his seat in a single motion, and popped it open. Asgore looked down at the complete lack of empty space.

"Erm, what is all this?"

"WHY, ONLY THE BARE ESSENTIALS! A CHANGE OF CLOTHES, A MAP, TWO SPARE TIRES, ANOTHER CHANGE OF CLOTHES, A FIRST AID KIT, A BACKUP MAP, A PUNCTURE REPAIR KIT, A SPARE TIRE OR THREE, A SPARE PHONE BATTERY, A BACKUP CHARGER, A FUEL CAN, A FUEL CAN TO REFILL THE FUEL CAN AND PROVISIONS FOR A WEEK'S TRAVEL! TRAVEL LIGHT, MOVE FAST!"

"Golly, you're well prepared. Um, might I be able to move something around to fit my own bag?"

He didn't seem enthusiastic about compromising his preparations, but rallied admirably. "LET ME SEE... PERHAPS IF I ONLY BRING FOUR DAYS' WORTH OF PROVISIONS. QUITE A RISK, BUT I THINK WE'LL GET AWAY WITH IT."

Five minutes' repacking later, Asgore sat in the front seat next to Papyrus. Despite moving his seat all the way back, his legs still felt cramped, but it was much better than having to double up in a normal car. He accepted Papyrus' gift of tacky orange sunglasses without complaint, looking as he donned a matching set.

"AND WE'RE OFF!"

The sudden declaration had Asgore gripping his seat, anticipating the car screeching off. But no such thing happened. They did get up to the speed limit pretty quickly, but did not exceed it. Reaching the main road, listening to the sat nav over the rushing wind, Asgore admired the smooth precision with which Papyrus drove. They'd picked a good day for it, wind in their face without being accompanied by an icy chill or snow was still a novelty, and Asgore embraced how his ears flopped behind him. They definitely got a lot of attention with his horns towering over every other car on the road, but he just waved at them as they passed.

"Um, Papyrus," he called over the wind, "that exit sign said it was for Russems."

"THE SAT NAV SAYS TO STAY ON THIS ROAD. PERHAPS IT'S A MORE EFFICIENT ROUTE."

Sure enough, the device pointed him straight on. Asgore simply shrugged and took in the view of the trees they were now passing, dotted by flowers.

"SIRE, DO YOU MIND IF I PUT ON MY AUDIOBOOK? I GOT IT FOR THE TRIP."

"Of course not. Can't just listen to the wind the whole way." The CD was in his hand already, and before Asgore could read it, he slotted it into the player.

"Hello," said a refined English voice, "you're listening to _Peekaboo With Fluffy Bunny_ , by H.A. Trowelling. Narrated by Calvin Wry. Chapter One: Where is Fluffy Bunny?" Before long, Asgore found the wind quite interesting, even if Papyrus' occasional cry of "PEEKABOO!" disrupted the flow.

"...AND MRS BUNNY SAID... PEEKABOO! NYEH HEH! OH, HERE WE ARE!"

"Already? But we can't have been on the road for more than forty minutes."

He looked around. The entirety of the town could be seen from the gas station they'd pulled in to. A few houses and a couple of businesses along the road. And no sign of the centre the conference was at. Russems was supposed to be a city.

"Papyrus," he asked, "are you sure this is Russems?"

"YES! THE SAT NAV TOLD ME SO." To prove his point, he pressed a button.

"You have reached your destination, Russmes"

Papyrus' grin seemed diminished. "AH. YES. IT SEEMS I'VE COMMITTED A TYPO. NOT TO WORRY, I DOUBT WE'RE THAT LOST."

Asgore looked carefully as Papyrus slowly entered the correct address. He barely had time to see the route appear before Papyrus had swivelled onto the road and headed back the way he had come. The continued pleasant weather brushed over the honest mistake in Asgore's mind, and he relaxed again, trying not to let the occasional "peekaboo" take him out of his contentment.

* * *

"...AND THEY ALL WENT HOME FOR ELEVENSES! THE END! WOWIE, THAT GETS ME EVERY TIME." His bright red gloved finger wiped away a tear.

"Yes, I can see why this story is so - *sniff* - engaging," admitted Asgore, using the excuse of checking the next sign was still pointing them to Russems to conceal his watery eyes.

"EXACTLY! I NEVER SEE THAT FINAL PEEKABOO COMING, AND JUST WHEN FLUFFY IS STARTING TO GET SCARED IN THE WOODS. TRULY THE NIGHT IS DARKEST BEFORE THE DAWN!"

Driving on the motorway wasn't as fun as the earlier jaunt to Russmes. The continued wind of movement counteracted the warmth of the day, but the road ran through very dry countryside, and the movement kicked up a lot of dust. Putting the car top up might have solved the issue, but Asgore's presence made this impossible. The sunglasses turned out to be a lifesaver, so all he had to do was be careful when he opened his mouth. Just as he used the rear view mirror to clear some of the dust away from his nostrils, he registered that Papyrus was slowing down.

"Ah, a station. Do you need to refuel?"

"INDEED. I ONLY HAVE SEVEN EIGHTHS OF A TANK LEFT! I SHOULD HAVE FILLED UP YESTERDAY, BUT I HAD A COOKING LESSON WITH UNDYNE."

Asgore scratched his horn as he wondered how many stops like this they'd make. He wasn't due to speak until tomorrow, but he didn't want to be too late. However the Sat Nav told him they'd made good time despite their detour. Journeys never seemed as long as they should with skeletons, it was just like with... with... he scratched the back of his head.

"I'm going to look at the magazines," he said, stretching his cramped legs, "do you want anything?"

"NO THANK YOU, I SHALL OPERATE THIS SELF-SERVICE PUMP."

The selection wasn't large and it was hard to reach without bumping his horns against the wall. He'd already read the gardening magazines they had to offer, and the slightly intimidated cashier told them they didn't stock _Tea-Totality Today_. So he resolved to examine the meagre book selection instead. Skipping the novel promising a brooding leader grappling with vengeance after the loss of his family, one about an energetic little girl meeting a kindly mentor who trained her to reach her full potential looked much more appealing. Leaving a small tip to apologise for any inconvenience he may have caused by blocking aisles he returned outside, rubbing the back of his neck, to find Papyrus had not begun filling up.

"Is something wrong?"

"THERE'S A SURCHARGE FOR MY TYPE OF CREDIT CARD, SO I SELECTED THE OPTION TO PAY IN CASH, BUT I CAN'T FIND THE SLOT TO INSERT MY COINS."

"Isn't that it? Next to the card reader?"

"THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT, BUT THEY WON'T FIT."

To prove his point, he took out a large gold coin and hopelessly bumped it against the slot.

"Oh. Did you remember most human machines aren't built to accept monster coins?"

"...DANG!"

Papyrus strolled confidently into the shop. A minute later he re-emerged accompanied by the cashier, looking a little more relaxed than he'd been around Asgore. However Papyrus explained the problem it looked like he'd made a friend. Five minutes and one eighth of a tank of fuel later, they were back on the road. Asgore was just getting used to his ears flopping in the wind however when they began to slow down again.

"Is everything alright?"

"OH YES! I JUST REMEMBERED I NEED TO PICK UP SOME WASHING UP LIQUID, AND I SAW A SIGN FOR A SUPERMARKET."

"There was washing up liquid at the station we were at."

"YES, BUT THEY ALWAYS CHARGE TEN PERCENT MORE THAN OFF THE MOTORWAY. I'M SAVING MONEY THIS WAY!"

It took a fifteen mile detour, but Asgore was impressed at how cheap that supermarket had been. Papyrus had a nose, so to speak, for a bargain.

* * *

After the hiccups earlier that morning, the journey proceeded without any interruption for a couple of hours. Indeed, the next time they stopped was actually planned, to grab a bite to eat. Eyeing the tiny tables of the restaurant, Asgore didn't even attempt to squeeze in there. Instead Papyrus went in and brought his order back out, where they ate in the car. He hadn't ordered too much, human food always settled heavily and made him feel sluggish, even before the war. Papyrus availed of his provisions instead.

"Sure is a nice day, huh?"

"INDEED! I SHOULD PUT ON SOME SUNSCREEN."

"Um, doesn't that only protect skin?"

"THAT'S NO EXCUSE FOR INCAUTION, MAJESTY! WHAT IF FRISK TOOK AFTER SANS AND NEVER TRIED TO PROTECT THEIR SKIN?"

"Hmm, I suppose that's fair." He watched Papyrus spread the cream on his ulna and radius. "I believe the action is all at your house while I'm away? This would have been their weekend with me, but I didn't want to decline this invitation."

"I BELIEVE THAT'S THE PLAN."

"If I may, what do they get up to with Sans?"

"IT DEPENDS ON WHO ELSE IS THERE."

"Who else?"

"CERTAINLY. IF I'M THERE, I HELP SHARPEN THEIR MENTAL SKILLS WITH A GOOD PUZZLE. ALPHYS WILL SHOW OFF WHAT SHE'S WORKING ON, OR A NEW CARTOON. AND UNDYNE OFTEN SHOWS THEM WHAT SHE LEARNED AT HER COOKING LESSON LESSONS."

"Cooking lesson... lessons?"

"YES, THE QUEEN HAS BEEN TEACHING HER HOW TO TEACH HOW TO COOK. TO USE HER PASSION MORE JUDICIOUSLY SO AS NOT TO WASTE IT ALL. I'M HER BEST STUDENT-BY-PROXY!"

"Ah, of course, I remember she mentioned that once. Well then, what do they do if Sans is by himself?"

He took advantage of rubbing cream into his skull to tap his noggin in thought. "YOU KNOW, I DON'T THINK THAT SITUATION HAS COME UP YET. SOMEONE'S ALWAYS AROUND TO HELP KEEP AN EYE ON THEM. WHAT A COINCIDENCE!"

He nodded sincerely. "Yes, indeed."

Fed and watered, and sun screened, they set off once again. The nice weather was put on hiatus as they drove through a valley where something about the mountain structured had managed to capture a rain cloud. This was an opportunity for Asgore to contribute to the journey beyond its destination. Though it was a bit broader than he usually cast, soon the rain was stopping before it hit the car or its passengers in a hiss of steam. Besides that, he took the opportunity to continue reading his book. The little girl was really engaging, determined to never give up. He admired that in people.

"OOH, SIRE, LOOK!"

Lifting his head from the book, there was a large sign. _WORLD'S LARGEST SKELETON, NEXT EXIT._

"I HAVEN'T MET ANOTHER SKELETON IN YEARS! SIR, MAY WE PLEASE MAKE A DETOUR?!"

A part of him still didn't want to dawdle, but it lost to his own curiosity. "I don't see why not."

He soon saw why not. The skeleton in question was indeed very tall, and he could see eye-to-socket without having to look down, but it was also suspended in a tank of sickly green ichor. Of course, it was one of THOSE skeletons. He never understood how humans could display something so morbid. At least Papyrus had enjoyed himself, having an intense and entirely one-sided conversation with it. The few human customers thought he was part of the show. One actually tipped him.

"I MUST CONFESS THEY WERE VERY RUDE. THEY DIDN'T EVEN SAY HELLO WHEN I INTRODUCED YOU!"

Asgore decided that conversation could wait for another day. "Maybe they were asleep."

"OF COURSE, I DIDN'T THINK OF THAT. WE SHOULD BE MORE AWARE OF IT NEXT TIME WE JUST FOLLOW A RANDOM SIGN ON THE ROAD."

"Hmm, you're right, but that will probably be another day."

Twenty minutes later they were standing in another tent, admiring the world's largest teacup. And then the world's second largest meatball. And then the world's fifth largest Santa hat made exclusively from nylon. It needed a wash.

* * *

_Ursula sat in her room, refusing to feel dejected. But no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't snatch the four leaf clover from Aston's hand. It was only when she achieved this that she could improve, and earn the respect of her friends. Her pet lizard, Alaric, stuck out its tongue sympathetically, and she felt better that she had one friend who supported her. Suddenly there was a noise coming from outside. Peeking through the window, Sheila was being bullied by those two jerks from school. Despite Aston always urging her to keep a calm mind, seeing her friends in trouble made her blood boil. Brushing her flaming red hair out of her eyes, she marched out the door, little realising that getting mixed up in this would give her what she needed to truly understand what her mentor had tried to teach her-_

A deafening honk ripped Asgore from the book. Looking round wildly, he saw a truck cut them off, despite there being plenty of room for it to change lanes at a safe pace. For the first time, Papyrus's straight driving was lost as he wobbled a little to avoid a collision.

"WOWIE, THAT WAS CLOSE! IT'S A SHAME THAT HUMAN NEEDED TO BE IN THIS LANE SO URGENTLY."

"Well it's like that nice man Liam told me when he agreed to teach monsters to drive," said Asgore, turning to face Papyrus, "it's not your own driving you have to look out for, it's everyone else's-" He froze.

"EVERYONE ELSE'S WHAT? WHY DID YOU STOP?"

"Papyrus, um, are you feeling alright?"

"NEVER BETTER, SIR! WHY DO YOU-? NYAH!"

He caught sight of himself in the rear view mirror. His skull had turned brown.

"How did that happen? I know the weather improved since we saw the world's longest sandcastle, but I..."

Without taking his eyes off the road or his right hand off the steering wheel, Papyrus plunged his left hand into the souvenir bag he used to store the various things he needed that day. With minimal rummaging, he extracted the sun screen and held it tight.

"CURSES," he bellowed, despite still not looking at it, "THIS IS THE BRAND WITH ADDED TANNING LOTION!"

"Erm, how would that-"

"I LOOK RIDICULOUS! SANS WILL PROBABLY MAKE A JOKE ABOUT MY BEING A FATHER BECAUSE I LOVE THE SUN SO MUCH!"

Asgore stifled a chuckle. "Oh, that's unfortunate. Is there anything-"

Another sound split the air, distracting them from the predicament. A police car had sounded its siren and flashed its lights behind them. Papyrus pulled over, and then froze solid with both hands on the wheel as the officer stepped out and walked up to him.

"Afternoon," he said lazily, "license, please."

Papyrus obliged him, extracting his license from the sun visor and handing it over. The officer's eyes flicked back and forth between him and his license.

"Sir, are you aware the photograph on your license displays a white skull?"

"YES OFFICER, BUT I'VE JUST DISCOVERED THAT I TAN REALLY EASY."

"Mind telling me how that works?"

"WELL I USED THE WRONG CREAM-"

"Sir, I would advise you not to joke about discrepancies in your paperwork, there can be hefty fines involved."

"WHY WOULD I JOKE ABOUT THAT? HOW MANY OTHER SKELETONS HAVE YOU PULLED OVER?"

"Can't say I keep track."

"Excuse me, officer," Asgore said calmly, "but perhaps I can vouch that his skull is usually white."

He already had his own license delicately clutched between two claws, which the officer took. Once again his eyes flicked between the photograph and its subject, lingering on the sharp teeth of his nervous grin. But he seemed satisfied, and continued with the actual reason he'd stopped them.

"...sir, are you aware your right tail light is broken?"

"GOODNESS, NO! IT WAS WORKING WHEN WE LEFT LANKFORT!"

"Huh, bad luck on your part I guess. Now between the license and that I could technically give you a ticket, but there's paperwork with these... _special_ cases. So if you follow me to a mechanic pal of mine to get it fixed, I'll let it slide."

"OF COURSE! THANK YOU, OFFICER!"

Soon enough they were at a seedy looking garage, watching the mechanic swap out the bulbs.

"Sure was lucky Mark was the one who stopped you. Anyone else and you'd be in the hole!"

Papyrus was only half listening. He'd bought a small can of spray paint and was using it to restore his skull's natural colour.

"That should be us! Just turn the ignition and.." both tail lights sprang to life. "And we're good! Now, for payment."

"OH, HERE ARE MY INSURANCE DETAILS! SUCH WEAR AND TEAR SHOULD BE COVERED BY IT."

He sighed through gritted teeth. "Oooh, sorry, can't accept that."

"WHY NOT?"

"Y'all were referred to me by law enforcement rather than comin' in by yourself. Gotta pay in cash only. Say, thirty of them gold coins?"

"ARE YOU SURE? I DON'T RECALL ANY SUCH CLAUSES IN MY POLICY, AND THAT SOUNDS EXPENSIVE."

"Now boys," said Officer Mark, hand resting on his belt, "I think the good gentleman knows his way around insurance. Isn't it just better to pay up and be on your way?"

"Hmm," said Asgore pleasantly, "there may be a wrinkle in our case, officer."

"And what would that be, Fuzzy?"

"Article Twelve, Section Five of the Treaty of Ebott. Stating that any clause not explicitly in insurance policies offered to monsters or their kin are null and void. It was a suggestion from my- from the negotiating team to avoid such surprises. If Papyrus' policy doesn't mention this exception, then you are required to accept his insurance."

The officer scowled. "You're mighty confident of a piece of paper you don't have in front of you, mister."

"Well I ought to be. I signed it."

Mark's face screwed up in concentration, and then a flash of recognition lit it up.

"You're the-"

The two men then exchanged glances, the mechanic having a look that clearly questioned the policeman's judgement. At this a possibility occurred to Asgore, one he didn't want to believe, but felt obligated to explore.

"Uh, s-sir, your Maj- could you please stay back-"

Ignoring the slightly nervous tone of the mechanic, Asgore reached over and picked up the bulb he'd taken out of Papyrus' car.

"Now how did Alphys say it was done? Ah yes..."

A tiny sparks of electricity danced around his fingers, and the bulb lit up, shining brightly.

"Officer," he asked, just as pleasant as ever, "are you sure the tail light was broken at all? Perhaps it was obscured by dust, it's been rather dry today."

Defeated in the plan to shake down two rubes without bringing all sorts of attention on their heads, as well as possibly angering someone whose claws suddenly seemed a lot sharper than they had been before, Mark simply shrugged. "'s possible."

"I see. Well golly, mistakes like these are made all the time, I should know. No harm done, I suppose."

"I DO ADMIRE THE CRAFTSMANSHIP OF REATTACHING THE COVER YOU'VE DONE," said Papyrus, "AND YOU MUST HAVE WORKED HARD. HERE!" He dropped two coins into the mechanic's hand.

"...thank you kindly, sir."

"NOT AT ALL, KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK!"

* * *

Thirty miles down the road later, a genuine need for repairs emerged, as a tire had gone flat. Papyrus had packed no jack, but this was no gap in his preparedness, merely an acknowledgement of resources at his disposal. Asgore lifted up the car with his bare hands, and two summoned bones later the car was held firmly aloft. Consulting the manual that came with the car, Papyrus was following each instruction precisely. Asgore sat on a nearby rock, drinking the last of his tea.

"Are you sure you don't want any help with this part?"

"THIS IS MY RESPONSIBILITY, MAJESTY. HMM, ' _AFTER FINAL WHEEL NUT IS DETACHED, CAREFULLY REMOVE WHEEL FROM AXLE_ '." He proceeded to do so.

"I have to say, on the whole this journey has been really pleasant. It's a change of pace."

"OH, I AGREE! I'VE SEEN ALL SORTS OF THINGS I HADN'T BEFORE, LIKE A STATION WHERE THE MAGAZINES ARE NEXT TO THE CANDY RATHER THAN THE DRINKS! ' _ENSURE REPLACEMENT TIRE IS FREE OF PUNCTURES BEFORE PLACING ON AXLE_ '."

"I confess I was a little concerned about time, but it's been fun to stop and smell the roses. Well figuratively at least," he mused, chuckling to himself, "I can usually smell roses whenever I want, ha ha."

"' _APPLY WRENCH B TO WHEEL NUT D, AND ROTATE CLOCKWISE_ '. YOU DESERVE A BREAK, SIR, YOU'VE BEEN WORKING HARD SINCE WE LEFT THE UNDERGROUND. CERTAINLY HARDER THAN MY BROTHER. WHICH REMINDS ME, MAY I ASK SOMETHING?"

"Hmm?"

"WHAT IS IT ABOUT THIS CONFERENCE THAT ENCOURAGED YOU TO ATTEND IF IT'S MERELY CULTURAL?"

He finished his tea to cover his thinking about the question. "Hmm, well there are a few reasons. As you said, it's a break from the routine. I'd like the world to know that monsters don't just demand things, that we've things to offer, and how we aren't that different. There's also meant to be some archaeologists present, and there may be some evidence of monster life on the surface before we were sealed. Gerson asked me to take pictures. Proof of it happening before may be a basis to further peace between monsters and humans."

"' _GUARANTEE THAT ALL WHEEL NUTS ARE TIGHT BEFORE REPLACING WHEEL GUARDS_ '. THAT SOUNDS VERY NOBLE, SIR! AND YOU'RE NOT EVEN THINKING ABOUT FLORIANA!"

Asgore stiffened a little. "I'm sorry?"

"FLORIANA. I READ UP ON RUSSEMS WHEN YOU ASKED ME TO TAKE YOU THERE," Asgore didn't bother correcting him, "APPARENTLY IT HAS THE LARGEST FLOWER SHOP AND GARDENING CENTER FOR HUNDREDS OF MILES! IT SOUNDED LIKE THAT WOULD BE RIGHT UP YOUR ALLEY!"

"Oh, um, is that r-right?" chuckled Asgore. "Well, p-perhaps if there's a lull in the conference I might have to, er, pay it a visit?"

"A SPLENDID IDEA! AND I BELIEVE," the two supporting bones shrank as the car was lowered onto its wheels, then vanished, "I AM FINISHED, SO WE MAY CONTINUE!"

"Wonderful. We'll have to do this again sometime. Perhaps with Undyne and your brother?"

"YOU MAY NEED TO GIVE A ROYAL ORDER TO GET HIM TO MOVE, BUT I THINK HE WOULD ENJOY IT!"

They sat in the car, Asgore fiddling with his extended seat belt. Just as he clicked it into place, a melody started playing on what sounded like a musicbox.

"Oh, excuse me." With some difficulty he pulled his phone out of his pocket. "Hello? Yes, this is Asgore. Of course, director." He started to frown. "Really? Well I'm not sure," he looked at the sat nav display, "maybe an hour out. She can't delay? Hmm. I'll see what I can do, but it doesn't look good. So sorry." He hung up and sighed.

"WHAT'S THE MATTER?"

"One of their opening speakers had to cancel. They wanted to see if I could fill in, but it's meant to be in half an hour. There's no way-"

" **NYAH!** I'VE SPENT ALL DAY DILLY DALLYING WITH RUDE SKELETONS AND NICE POLICEMEN! IT WON'T DO TO HAVE THE KING BE TARDY TO AN APPOINTMENT!"

"Papyrus, we weren't to know, there's no need-"

"WORRY NOT, SIRE! YOU SHALL MAKE IT TO THE CONFERENCE IN TIME!"

Asgore's ears twitched as a loud screeching noise ripped the silence apart. Papyrus was flooring it.

"Now now, don't do anything-"

His sunglasses flew off his head as Papyrus reached top speed in a heartbeat. Fluff sprouted from Asgore's seat as he instinctively gripped it with his claws. The sat nav display glowed red, a reminder for Papyrus to check his speed. He did check it, and was satisfied the needle couldn't go any higher. Meanwhile it fed instructions to him nonstop.

"In eight hundred yards turn left turn left take the exit in one mile go straight go straight on turn right turn left take the highway fuel stop in twenty miles go straight on fuel stop in eighteen miles-"

"Papyrus," cried Asgore over the instructions, "isn't this dangerous?!"

"OF COURSE NOT, I'M WEARING MY SEATBELT!"

It wasn't so bad on the larger straight roads, though Asgore couldn't later recount how Papyrus had passed three large trucks blocking every lane. The really tense parts was when the Sat Nav took them off the main road and through a mountain pass. Every twist and turn was not performed at exactly the same speed, and Asgore was convinced he would be flung out of his seat. However there was a _PING_ , and everything was slightly blue, he now felt anchored in his seat.

"DON'T WORRY ABOUT LEAVING THE CAR, SIR. FOCUS ON WHAT YOU'RE GOING TO SAY AT THE CONFERENCE!"

He might have been asked to break the barrier again. Desperate to find something to focus on, he struggled to lift his arm and pushed a button on the radio. Mercifully, music started playing, although the deafening drum solo which preceded the screaming chorus on this particular song didn't have its normally relaxing effect he was so distracted. Perhaps the very worst part was a large hairpin curve over a deep ravine, which they somehow got to the end of with no memory of them actually traversing the whole thing. It didn't feel like they jumped the gap. The one time they slowed down to something resembling a safe speed was as they bore down on a billboard, and looking back Asgore eyed another police car, obviously checking for speeding. It didn't take long before they returned to deathwish speeds.

"OH, THE WORLD'S MOST OBTUSE VISUAL METAPHOR! BAH, NO TIME, I'LL READ A DESCRIPTION OF IT ONLINE!"

Asgore wished he could read about Ursula handling those bullies, but he feared the wind would just rip the pages out. He'd resolved to stare at distant mountains, for they at least looked like they moved at a relatively safe speed compared to power lines and signs that were grey and green blurs. And then on the horizon...

"Papyrus, be careful, someone's walking on the road-"

_PING._

The figure he'd spotted disappeared. Looking round, the scruffy young man was floating above their heads, caught by Papyrus' magic. His thumb still stuck out as he held a "Russems" sign.

"HELLO MY NAME IS PAPYRUS AND THIS IS ASGORE KING OF THE MONSTERS WE'RE HEADED TO RUSSEMS TOO I'M SORRY WE COULDN'T STOP WE'RE RATHER LATE I'VE NEVER PICKED UP A HITCHHIKER BEFORE WOWIE TODAY HAS BEEN EXCITING ARE YOU GOING TO FLORIANA?"

The hitchhiker and kidnap victim just stared down at his fellow travellers. "I'm sorry about this," shrugged Asgore, "he can get over excited when-"

"NYEH-HA! THERE IT IS!"

The three of them stared at the rapidly approaching sign, _WELCOME TO RUSSEMS_. Asgore's relief did not last long as Papyrus only barely slowed down entering the town. It was definitely larger than Russmes anyway.

"Turn left go straight turn right caution one way street go straight go straight at the end of the road turn left in one hundred yards turn right turn right you have reached your destination."

They barely had time to register _CONFERENCE CENTER CAR PARK_ on the sign they passed under before Papyrus slammed on the brakes. The world began to spin, and the human lunch Asgore had eaten began to protest. He shut his eyes as the car spun again and again-

Silence. And more importantly, stillness.

Asgore opened his eyes. The world was still in darkness. After a moment, he realised his ear had flopped over them, so he shook it off. Papyrus was parked perfectly between two other cars like he had just reversed into it. With another ping, the hitchhiker was carefully put back on his feet in front of them.

"SUCH A SHAME OUR JOURNEY ENDED SO QUICKLY. I FEEL LIKE WE WERE BONDING!"

Their travel companion merely shrugged, and made their way back to the street. Remembering the whole reason his heart was hammering, Asgore delicately extracted himself from the car, and was about to get his bag from the trunk and find a place to change, when Papyrus already had it. A gloved hand seized his shirt, and there was a flurry of purple. A new weight rested on his head. Feeling it, it was his crown. Papyrus had changed his clothes for him. A quick pat of his beard discovered no dust either.

"THERE, NOW EVERYONE WILL KNOW WHO YOU ARE!"

After the final leg of their journey, a small part of Asgore wanted to maintain a low profile, but since he was now in an opportunity to help the conference get off to a good start, it would probably be best to do that. All's well that ends well after all.

"Well, Papyrus, I have to thank you for, erm, making such good time. Would you like to come in?"

"GOODNESS NO, A CULTURAL CONFERENCE SOUNDS BORING! BESIDES, I NEED TO PLAN THE RETURN JOURNEY."

"The- I'm sorry?"

"WELL WHY WOULD WE RETURN HOME THE SAME WAY? IF WE HEAD WEST FIRST WE MIGHT SEE THE HOT SPRINGS OF CRONOS VALE, AND THEN THE WORLD'S SHORTEST SKELETON! PERHAPS WE WILL BE GREETED WITH MORE MANNERS THAN LAST TIME."

"Ah, of course. Well that sounds fun!" Asgore made a note to call Sans and make sure there was absolutely no reason they had to return home in a hurry.

**Author's Note:**

> Pastebin Version: https://pastebin.com/Ge3vzaP0
> 
> Proofread by [Doogly_Writes](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Doogly_Writes/pseuds/Doogly_Writes).
> 
> Let me know what you think, and thanks for reading!


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